


Why I Am, Who I Am

by HaruSpring88



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Amnesia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-10
Updated: 2019-09-10
Packaged: 2020-10-13 17:35:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20586374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HaruSpring88/pseuds/HaruSpring88
Summary: Jean-Jacques Leroy has a secret. A secret about his best friend.





	Why I Am, Who I Am

Jean Jacques Leroy had a secret. His secret was about his best friend. The only problem was his best friend… was gone. He watched silently as the Kazakh skater moved along the ice. As he put his water bottle to his lips, water dripped down his chin. The Canadian wiped the excess on his gloves. He swallowed hard as he remembered that kiss nearly ten years ago. He felt a croak hiding in his throat. He shook it off before too quickly setting his bottle down and it crashed on the floor opposite the wall. The clanking bringing back memories he'd tried to force away.

“Otabek, man, come on!” The teen called as he waved to his friend. He had the most absolutely stupid grin on his face but they’d been friends long enough now he didn’t care.

The Asian rolled his eyes. "You're impatient. Chill out." He said back as he approached the other with his hands tucked in his pockets. Jj smirked and grabbed his friends hand. "We're going to dinner. You're going to lighten up."

JJ had spent the night making bad jokes to make the other smile. Smiles reserved only for the Canadian and had no one known the two, it would have appeared that they were together. They weren't. They were just friends, but Jean Jacques Leroy was irrevocably in love with his best friend.

Otabek never mentioned what he thought they were. It was certainly more than friends, but the words were never spoken. JJ walked Otabek back to his house. They were hand in hand.

The Kazakh laid back on the bed with a groan. He'd taken a fall working on Quad's in practice and his back was feeling it today. JJ smiled and hovered over the other a bit longer than necessary before laying next to him.

JJ launched himself up for a Quad Lutz before skating off again. Otabek always conveniently in his line of sight. He remembered that day perfectly. The day the Canadian realized he wasn't completely straight and despite his traditional Catholic upbringing... he hadn't cared.

He propped himself up on his elbow. "Take a break on the quads." He hummed.

Otabek huffed in amusement. "And let you catch up to me? Not a chance. Just because you're cute doesn't mean I'm going easy on you."

His heart had jumped at those words. Without thinking he leaned forward and put his lips to Otabek's. Even then as teens, JJ still recalled the taste of cinnamon and mint and the irresistible smell that was his heart's desire.

JJ's own chest ached as he remembered the pink tinge on Otabek's cheeks. It was that moment Jean realized what it meant to love someone other than yourself. Something he'd always struggled with. Now, as a man, it was the bravado he put on for everyone else because he didn't want to show the pain.

Tomorrow is the first night of his last Grand Prix Final Series. He plans on making the announcement at the press conference. He has no idea if Otabek plans on continuing. The Otabek he remembered would keep going until he physically couldn't anymore. JJ had a coaching career ahead, but every time he saw Otabek again. He was constantly taken back to a past he couldn't have.

They were the veterans in the division now. Viktor, Yuuri, Christophe... they had all retired years before them. Yuri, however still had five years on him and would keep skating and break records for plenty more. He found tears threatening to fall when the blonde joined them on the ice and made a smart-ass comment that brought a smile to Otabek's lips. The same smile that years ago was reserved for him.

JJ pulled his skate guards on and stepped off the ice. This was his last season and deep down he wanted to stay, only to keep watch over the man he loved, the man that had no recollection that they were ever friends.

"Beka, chill out. Coach may not even let us do Quads in the competition." He told him as they started practice for the day. "Your legs are shot from yesterday." It wasn't often that the reckless Jean-Jacques Leroy was giving advice for someone to take it easy.

"I'll be fine." Otabek said simply, calm and collected as always. Never an emotion in public. Only behind closed doors, for both of them to see.

JJ sighed. "Fine, but don't go hurting yourself. Gold and silver this season remember?" He said with a smirk on his face before taking off.

But it wasn't fine. JJ had been in the middle of a spin when all he heard was the clamoring of blades on the ice and when he forced himself out of the spin, he saw his friend limp on the ice. Time had processed in slow motion for him then. From the moment he dialed an Ambulance on his cell phone to sitting in the hospital next to Otabek's bed. The transit... he doesn't really remember.

He squeezed the Kazakh's hand and mumbled prayers in French as he laid his head on the side of the bed. Otabek was his heart. He had to wake up.

It wasn't until a series of test results that came back and Otabek's parents arriving that Jean-Jaques realized something was very wrong. His friend had yet to wake up. "Severe Concussion. Possible coordination issues. Memory Loss." His heart stopped and it felt like the world had to.

Once his skates were dried and tucked in his bag he leaned over the wall and watched Otabek and 'Princess' skate. He remembered that Otabek must have met Yuri sometime after returning to competition when he'd decided to stay in Kazakhstan. His persona had changed a lot after that. JJ found himself angry, depressed, and heart broken all over again.

He watched as the blonde grabbed Otabek's hand and led him around the ice like he was still a child. The older man simply followed with the same soft smile he gave JJ years ago, before skating forward and lifting the smaller in the air. JJ would never understand why the sight made his blood boil. "Hey Princess, of course you'd be the girl in a pairs skate!" He yelled before turning his back and walking away. He didn't want to be this way, but what else was there?

He'd been dosed off in a chair when Otabek woke up. The doctor's had been worried because it had taken longer than they expected. JJ was just hopeful to get him recovered and get back on the ice. The Canadian had startled awake when the machines had begun to speed up some. He nearly jumped out of the chair and hurried over to the bed. "Otabek." He said softly and took his hand. "How are you feeling?"

He received a few blinks and a blank stare in response. "W...who are you?" He asked quietly.

"Beka. It's me. JJ." He said again, realizing that he must just be a bit confused.

"Who?" He asked before pulling his hand back.

Doctor's hurried in after that and JJ was made to leave the room. He collapsed against the wall in the hallway. Face buried in his knees. It had seemed like an eternity before Mr. and Mrs. Altin and a Doctor came out to him.

"He's suffering from Amnesia." The doctor said simply. "He doesn't remember anything after his arrival here in Canada." He explained. Mrs. Altin looked at JJ with some sympathy but finally said. "We're taking him home." She put her hand on his shoulder. The doctor nodded in agreement. "His recovery won't progress if he remains somewhere he doesn't recognize. It's imperative he get to a routine there."

Everything after those words was muffled completely to the Canadian. He could say goodbye but Otabek didn't know who he was. He had a disheartened look when he finally realized that Otabek's parents were ushering him inside to say his goodbyes

He stood at the side of the bed awkwardly and the friend he remembered looked at him as if he were a stranger. "I just came to tell you, I'll see you later." He smiled. "And even if you don't know why...I"ve always been in love with you." He whispered. It was so quiet he wasn't sure Otabek even heard him, but he couldn't wait for an answer... he ran. He ran as fast as his legs would carry him out the hospital doors and all the way home where his bed was his sanctuary. Otabek was his heart and his heart was broken.

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He needed to focus. It was his last season and he had to win gold. JJ looked up at his coach as he pulled his team jacket on. "Just remember who your skating for and you can't fail Jean." He nodded slowly. He put in his headphones to listen to the song for his free skate

"So here's my song I wrote in time, when it was needed

Through pain of heart or loss of mind, your burdens lifted

You aren't alone just know that I, cant save our hearts tonight." -Black Veil Brides, Carolyn


End file.
